One of the best parts about college football is the rivalries. Fan bases, schools, players, and entire states have so much hate for each other because of a game that happens on one Saturday every year. Part of what makes rivalries great are the rivalry trophies that some games feature. There's traditional ones like the Little Brown Jug, weird ones like the Illibuck, and forgotten ones like the Civil ConFLiCT Trophy. Every rivalry trophy has its own history and mystique, and that is why I have taken the liberty to create more of them.
NOTE: Big Ten fans you can stop reading now because literally every single conference match-up has a trophy already.
SECOND NOTE: Sorry Bob Diaco, I didn't include the Civil ConFLiCT Trophy. So you can stop reading too.
THE BROKEN POOL SKIMMER TROPHY
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Arizona State and Florida State have dominated the college pool party scene for years, and now they will have a trophy to commemorate the pool party champion. It is true that 50% of students at both Arizona State and Florida State are pool management majors, and that 75% of all parties at both esteemed universities are pool parties. Why is the trophy a broken pool skimmer? Because have you ever seen a college student use one without breaking it? If you have, then I know that you've never seen a hungover college student use one without breaking it. This new rivalry (complete with its awesome trophy) will take place in Ibiza, Spain because Ibiza is the pool party capital of the world. Imagine all of America's foremost experts on pool parties descending upon a place which is already crazy with pool parties. Every single year players from both teams would get arrested in pool party fights the night before the game. This game and trophy is everything college football was meant to be.
OLE PASTOR JOE'S WINE GLASS
The Auburn-Clemson rivalry dates back to 1902 with Auburn leading the series 34-15-2. These two schools have a lot in common culturally, and the biggest commonality is that every single student, alum, and fan of these two institutions has at some point gotten drunk with their pastor. It could have been at a church picnic, a birthday party, a family dinner, it doesn't matter, every single person in Clemson, South Carolina, and Auburn, Alabama, has been drunk with their pastor. Now, before I get any angry emails from y'all, I am not judging nor condemning this behavior. I think it's great! If Preacher John and his wife come over and everyone has way too much wine then that's awesome! Just remember that anything said or done that night was the wine's fault and it doesn't reflect on God. Now, because of this cultural similarity the schools will play for Ole Pastor Joe's Wine Glass. So many sermons in these two towns will be centered around getting this wine glass back. Ole Pastor Joe's getting thirsty y'all!
THE BATTLE FOR STEVE SPURRIER
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Well, Steve Spurrier just became a traveling trophy for the annual Florida-South Carolina game. I'm sure he's one of the few humans on earth who would actually be okay with this sort of thing. The winner of the game each year will carry him off the field, and he will have to live in that town until next year's game. It won't take us long to see which towns golf courses he prefers, because he'll be cheering for that school every single year. Also this will be the only rivalry trophy with the ability to conduct its own postgame interviews, and the only trophy that will be able to react to the results in real time.
THE VINEYARD VINES TROPHY
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The South's Oldest Rivalry finally gets a trophy as North Carolina and Virginia will be playing for the Vineyard Vines Whale. This works because it is an admissions requirement at both schools for your wardrobe to be a minimum of 50% Vineyard Vines products, and it is also a requirement on gamedays that you wear at least one article of Vineyard Vines clothing to the game. The schools would go all in on this and even give the foam whale hats to the winning team on the field. This trophy would decide every year which is the true Vineyard Vines University, and believe it or not this would upset the loser. If Iowa and Minnesota can have a pig trophy, North Carolina and Virginia can have a whale trophy.
THE SECRETARY OF STATE'S TROPHY
Every season the service academy with the best record against the other two wins the the Commander in Chief's Trophy. This new government-based trophy will serve a similar role, but it will go to the winner of the Stanford-Duke-Northwestern nerd series. The big three nerd schools will all play each other every year for the Secretary of State's Trophy. I'm going to go ahead and apologize to Duke, you will probably never win this trophy.
THE KEG BOWL
The Keg Bowl will be as much of a battle off the field as it is one on the field. This is a match-up of two schools known for drinking towns dry, and they would cherish nothing more than winning a keg. That's right we have Wisconsin and Washington State battling on the field and in the bars for the right to take home a trophy keg. In 2013, Washington State fans drank the town of Auburn dry during their trip to the plains. In 2017, Wisconsin fans drank Provo, Utah and the surrounding towns dry on their excursion to BYU. The beauty of this game is that no matter who wins you will get players keg-standing on the field on ESPN while other players shotgun beers. Instead of Gatorade baths, coaches will get doused with Fireball, and fans will make it their goal to drink the other town dry. An aspect of this rivalry that I love would be Madison bars saying, "Alright, it's Wazzu weekend. That means we have to have 10x the normal supply so they can't hold it over our heads if they drink us dry," and vice versa. Keg Bowl, make it happen.
THE BATTLE FOR THE BRONZE HOAGIE
Temple-Rutgers, the rivalry you didn't know you needed. Two horrible football teams slogging it out for a sloppy bronze hoagie sandwich. Greg Schiano would probably try to bite it and then shatter five of his teeth. Also we'd get plenty of Rutgers fans who would be upset that the trophy was called a hoagie (even though half of New Jersey calls them hoagies too). If Philly people knew that there was a hoagie at Temple games maybe they'd actually go watch them play, maybe.
THE BIG ASS BUTT BOWL
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The college football internet has deemed Baylor-Texas Tech the BUTT Bowl, but today that great name gets a great trophy. The teams are going to play for a bust of the Kim Kardashian butt pic.
credit: foxnews.com
(If y'all want the full pic Google it yourself) This will surely motivate the teams to play their hardest. After all, the winner gets the opportunity to touch Kim K's butt. The players on the winning team would all be running around like Finding Nemo yelling "I touched the butt!" This game has been played in Jerry World recently, and Jerry Jones would take every single opportunity to present the trophy himself. Which, in turn, would make some Arkansas fan irrationally hate this game for no reason. BIG ASS BUTT BOWL FOREVER.
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