It's the middle of the summer so that means it's time to ask the important questions in regards to college basketball. If the Power 5 conferences plus the Big East had a coaches only Royal Rumble style team wrestling match who would win? Why not have a bunch of basketball coaches in a ring trying to bring glory back for their conference commissioner? It is important to realize that in this hypothetical match the coaches from their respective conference would be working together to see which conference has the greatest wrestling basketball coaches. Let's break it down conference by conference to determine who is the Royal Rumble champion.
ACC
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The first noticeable trait about the ACC coaches as a wrestling team is age. Jim Boeheim is 75, Coach K is 73, Leonard Hamilton is 71, Jim Larranaga is 70, Roy Williams is 69, right there you have one third of the coaches at age 69 plus. It just comes with the territory of being the premier basketball conference in the country that there is going to be a lot of older, more experienced coaches. Obviously, that's less than ideal for trying to win a wrestling match, and outside of Lenny Ham none of those guys are particularly spry for their age. Age will be a factor for most conferences, but it will hurt the ACC more than most. Moving through the rest of the league there's not many guys that jump out at you as quality wrestlers. I'm sure Mike Brey and Jeff Capel have a few tricks up their sleeves, but is anyone really worried about guys like Josh Pastner or Brad Brownell? Tony Bennett wouldn't hurt a fly, Jim Christian and Steve Forbes are goofy looking dudes, and Kevin Keatts would be too worried about scuffing his shoes to put up a good fight. Chris Mack and Mike Young might be able to hold their own, but the big four of Chris Mack, Mike Young, Mike Brey, and Jeff Capel isn't going to be enough to carry the conference.
Big East
Right off the bat with the Big East my mind goes to Patrick Ewing. I'd be absolutely scared as hell to enter any kind of wrestling ring with him. He's from the era of basketball where dudes got decked for just entering the lane, and he's definitely not afraid to throw some haymakers. Another viable competitor that the Big East has is new guy, Dan Hurley. While Hurley is not the most intimidating-looking guy, he is certifiably bat shit insane, and that insanity could be enough to do some major damage in this wrestling match.
The problem for the Big East is a lack of depth behind these top two. LaVall Jordan is a formidable third option, but who do you trust behind him? Jay Wright's too pretty (yes, I said what I said) to put up a good fight. Steve Wojciechowski is a human version of Scrappy Doo (which means he'd get crushed). Mike Anderson would not even do a single thing, and Ed Cooley would most likely have uniform issues.
That leaves the Big East with Greg McDermott, Travis Steele, Kevin Willard and Dave Leitao. Greg McDermott could look intimidating, but you can get him down on the mat really easily, and the other guys want nothing to do with this wrestling nonsense anyways. The Big East would not finish last, but it also is not winning this thing.
BIG TEN
The Big Ten has a group of coaches that looks like a quality Royal Rumble team on paper. There are not as many old guys as the ACC, there are competitive guys who would be willing to rip your face off, and there's the depth of a fourteen team conference. The issue that the Big Ten has is that there are plenty of guys who would use this wrestling match as their shot to finally inflict some pain on their conference enemies. But wait, you ask, wouldn't they rather just do that on the court? Sure, but tell me someone like Brad Underwood doesn't want to cold cock Fran McCaffrey right in the face.
I'm sure Mark Turgeon has wanted to put Tom Izzo in a full Nelson since the first time they played a Big Ten matchup. It only takes one of these things to happen and the Big Ten coaches are all fighting each other instead of the other conferences. At this point, they'd probably send Archie Miller out there to fight everyone by himself just so the other coaches would point and laugh at how small he is. Like every conference, the Big Ten has coaches who really don't like each other, but in this league the coaches are not as old and not as tenured as a league like the ACC. That means there's bad blood that's built up quickly and guys who are ready and willing to act on it.
BIG 12
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The glaring issue for the Big 12 coaches' wrestling team is numbers. The conference has only ten members, making them the smallest team in this Royal Rumble. Another issue regarding the numbers for the Big 12 is that one of the coaches is Bob Huggins. Since Huggins is basically immobile, it's like the league only has a nine man team. Maybe Huggins can use his story-telling abilities to distract opposing wrestlers while his teammates attack, but Huggins brings nothing to the table physically. The conference also has a group of even-keeled, calm coaches who do not appear to have any interest or desire to wrestle. Guys like Scott Drew, Lon Kruger, Chris Beard, and Mike Boynton fall into this category. Yes, we all know that Bill Self would cheat somehow. He would cheat so openly, and everyone would know that it's happening, but it would just be swept under the rug. That leaves Shaka Smart, Steve Prohm, Bruce Weber, and Jamie Dixon to lead the team. Shaka Smart is the best option given his age and feisty nature. Bruce Weber has just enough craziness that he could be good. Steve Prohm is a wild card, but it's tough to say that he'd be a better wrestler than say, Fred Hoiberg. Jamie Dixon would not be half as good as he thinks he'd be. The Big 12 is a contender to be eliminated first as there is not a lot of firepower at the top, and plenty of depth issues. There is very little to work with here, and they might take a beating for it.
PAC 12
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The PAC 12 is an intriguing team on paper because it has the possibility to finish anywhere in this competition. They have a documented crazy person in Bobby Hurley who won't back down from anyone. Sean Miller would be so sweaty that he'd be impossible to hold onto. Plus he would cheat his way to another advantage. Wayne Tinkle is so huge that he could just sit on someone, and Andy Enfield is in better shape than you realize. The issue for the PAC 12 is that they have a solid top group of wrestlers and a large group of possible dead weight. There is not any middle of the road guys in this league. The rest of the league consists of Jerod Haase, Mike Hopkins, Tad Boyle, Larry Krystkowiak, Mark Fox, Kyle Smith, Dana Altman, and Mick Cronin. Out of this group who do you trust to even be a decent contributor to this team? Maybe Dana Altman and Kyle Smith, maybe? Personally, all I really want to see out of this college basketball coaches' Royal Rumble is for everyone to move to the side and let Mick Cronin and Archie Miller duke it out for king of the little guys. Winner of that match-up gets to wrestle Nick Saban.
SEC
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The SEC is the conference that I believe would take home the championship in this college basketball coaches' team wrestling match and here's why. This team has a lot of firepower at the top. John Calipari and Will Wade would cheat like hell and give the team an early advantage. Frank Martin's actual calling was to be a WWE wrestler so he'd feel right at home in the ring. Eric Musselman is cocaine personified, which is more than enough crazy to be a wrestling force. Bruce Pearl would just squash whomever is in his path. Trying to wrestle Buzz Williams would be like trying to catch a greased pig. Tom Crean's goofy ass would be so distracting that the rest of the team could sneak attack people. This team has the largest group of potential wrestling stars and has a good mix of younger guys who could help out this top group. Guys like Nate Oats, Cuonzo Martin, and Mike White are all young enough to be key contributors on this team. All of this said, we are just now getting to one of the scariest dudes in this whole competition in Jerry Stackhouse. Few coaches would want any part of him in physical combat. The SEC is far and away the betting favorite to win the college basketball coaches' Royal Rumble. They have the firepower, age, and depth to be a dominant force in this battle. Now we just need to get this battle on Monday Night Raw.
Who do you think would take home the crown?
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