IT'S BOWL SEASON Y'ALL! And you know what that means, time for weird sponsors and cringy commercials by CEOs whose faces should never grace a television screen. That is part of the magic and the charm of a Central Michigan-Georgia Southern game at 2 on a Wednesday from Boise (this might be a real bowl match up I don't know). Here's the definitive rankings of the best bowl game names. There is no argument, this is the only correct list.
39. New Mexico Bowl
A game so cool that it doesn't even need a sponsor. Take that Corporate America, New Mexico doesn't need you.
38. Allstate Sugar Bowl
Allstate has sponsored the Sugar Bowl since 2007, so this is a name that has become pretty ingrained in our heads. It rolls off the tongue very well, making it boring, but Allstate gets some bonus points for not having to change the field goal nets in the Superdome.
37. Belk Bowl
Belk Bowl Best Bowl! The Belk Bowl might have the most fun, especially on Twitter, but the name is nothing special. This is the last year of Belk sponsoring this game so pour one out for Modern Southern Style.
36. Outback Bowl
The Outback Bowl doesn't have the most interesting name, but when there's a free Bloomin' Onion on the line there are always high stakes. Hey, Ryan Nanni, why won't they have you back in the Bloomin' Onion suit? #FryinNanni
35. Camellia Bowl
A camellia is a type of flower. I honestly just had to Google that because I had no idea.
34. Quick Lane Bowl
A bowl game in Detroit that's sponsored by a car mechanic company is basically a bad Dad Joke. The experience of playing a terrible game the day after Christmas in Detroit sounds just as bad.
33. Capital One Orange Bowl
The Jennifer Garner commercials are all bad. The Samuel L. Jackson commercials are all better. The commercials during the NCAA Tournament with Charles Barkley, Samuel L. Jackson, and Jim Nantz are all the best. Marketing meeting adjourned.
32. Valero Alamo Bowl
Thanks to Valero, I remember the Alamo every single time I fill up my car at a Valero station. That's what Davy Crockett died for. He died to fuel the American Spirit.
31. Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl
Chick-Fil-A has sponsored the Peach Bowl since 1997. So yeah, this isn't that exciting of a name. What would be exciting, however, would be Popeye's having a Popeye's Boiled Peanuts Bowl at Turner Field at the exact same time as the Peach Bowl. It's 2019, anything's possible.
30. Camping World Bowl
This bowl was made for people who go to Disney and pitch a tent at Fort Wilderness for a week. Is it in Orlando? Yes. Is it sponsored by massive camping company for some reason? Yes. Am I going to contract an insect related disease if I attend this game? Yes. Has Notre Dame played in it before? Also yes. Is Notre Dame playing in it this year? Most definitely.
29. Cheez-It Bowl
Cheez-Its are a fine snack. They aren't great but they aren't bad. So far every single Cheez-It Bowl in history has been horrendous. Yes, I know it's just been one game but it was that bad. Dear Cheez-It Bowl execs, let me watch the game from the Chase Field pool with an open bar. You won't regret it I promise.
28. Taxslayer Bowl
Taxes aren't the only thing Taxslayer has slayed. The also slayed the "Gator" from the bowl game name in 2014. I'm not sure which is harder to slay, a gator or your taxes? Taxslayer has done both, fear them.
27. Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic
Calling this game the Cotton Bowl is actually false advertising since the game isn't played in the Cotton Bowl anymore. This game is also the only one with the audacity to call itself a classic. It doesn't get more classic than historic college football stadium Jerry World.
26. New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Might as well call it the Turtle From Entourage Bowl.
25. The Rose Bowl Game presented by Northwestern Mutual
The Granddaddy of them all is so grand that they have to have a presenting sponsor. Not just a regular sponsor but a presenting one. It's like having a parade of HGTV garden moms just for your game wasn't enough.
24. SoFi Hawaii Bowl
SoFi sponsoring an event in which zero of the participants actually have student loans is hilarious. Also, since the game is always played Christmas Eve night it gives you an opportunity to debate student loans with your family. Good times for everyone!
23. Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman
The troops are also fancy pantsing us with their presenting sponsor, but their presenting sponsor is basically themselves since Northrop Grumman makes defense weapons for the military. This bowl trophy should be a giant cannon that the winner gets to keep until the end of the following regular season.
22. R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
R+L Carriers was founded by a guy named Ralph L. "Larry" Roberts. Going by either Ralph or Larry sounds awful so I'm not sure how you choose. They have the SEC market cornered as they also sponsor Matt Kenseth's NASCAR and a team in the Pro Tractor Pulling League.
21. Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl
We've got back to back games with a + in the name. Unlike New Mexico, the state of Texas supports Corporate America and has a big company sponsoring their game. Ask anyone in Texas (outside of Austin) and they'd say they're supporting big business to own the libs. There's a reason this game isn't played in Austin.
20. AutoZone Liberty Bowl
The Liberty Bowl is in the Zone. This is an appropriate sponsor because usually the two teams playing in the Liberty Bowl look like they need an air filter change or like they've been leaking oil for the last 100 miles or so. Who's playing in this year's Liberty Bowl, you ask? Kansas State.
19. LendingTree Bowl
Welcome LendingTree to the bowl sponsor game. They're taking over for Dollar General, sponsoring this game in Mobile, Alabama. Get ready to see a ton of the green muppet-looking thing. I hope he does the coin toss.
18. VRBO Citrus Bowl
I had no idea what VRBO was until last year's Citrus Bowl. I think it's an AirBnB kinda thing. I'm still not entirely sure. Is it called "Verbo" or do you actually spell out V-R-B-O? Well, no matter how you say it or what it is seeing that combination of random letters at the front of a bowl name is funny enough to crack the top 20.
17. Mitsubishi Las Vegas Bowl
Does Mitsubishi still even make cars? The Las Vegas Bowl is missing an opportunity here cause if it leaned into its Vegasness then it would be a solid top 5 name. It's not that hard, Vegas Bowl, you have unlimited options that would take this name to the next level. But settling for a car company that no one realizes exists anymore isn't the worst option ever.
16. Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl
I'm waiting for the day when a dude named Lockheed Martin plays in this game. It's college football, it's bound to happen at some point. This is just like the Military Bowl where we have a military weapons and defense company sponsoring a game supporting the troops. The troops are all about sponsoring themselves and I love it. In name only Lockheed Martin is light years ahead of Northrop Grumman.
15. San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl
Pour one out for the San Diego Country Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, but at least the name is still alive with the Holiday Bowl. The greatness in this name comes from its absurd length, and the fact that nobody watching this game will ever actually use this company because it only serves the San Diego area. If Iowa wins this game, how many Iowa fans try to open an account with them?
14. Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Another game whose name is great because of how ridiculously long it is. It just rolls right off the tongue. They need to have some sort of halftime competition to pay off your mortgage like the Dr. Pepper Tuition Giveaway at the conference championship games. Have adults running a 40 yard dash or something. Well workshop the competition, Franklin American, but there's something there.
13. Redbox Bowl
This one ranks so high because in the year of our Lord 2019 there is zero reason for Redbox to exist, let alone to sponsor a bowl game. This is just a slight step up from having the Blockbuster Bowl. People say there's too many bowl games, but no one says anything about the amount of streaming services there are. And yet, here's Redbox reminding you that right in front of your local Harris Teeter there's a DVD dispenser.
12. PlayStation Fiesta Bowl
PlayStation sponsoring a major college football bowl game is funny for two reasons. First is that this is a real life game and not an Esports battle between two schools. And second, you can't even play college football on a PlayStation anymore. But, if PlayStation must sponsor the game we need an Ask Corso graphic with Lee Corso's suggested play between every snap.
11. Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Potatoes are one of the most versatile foods out there. You can make chips, fries, tater tots, baked potatoes, hash browns, mashed potatoes, etc. You can even make an awesome potato mascot.
HIS FREAKING NAME IS SPUDDY BUDDY Y'ALL. SPUDDY. BUDDY.
10. Servpro First Responder Bowl
Servpro is a great sponsor for the First Responder Bowl because they're a water and fire damage restoration company. Servpro's slogan is "Like it Never Even Happened" which is also perfect given what happened in the 2018 Servpro First Responder Bowl. Boston College was leading Boise State 7-0 with 5:08 left in the first quarter when a thunderstorm hit Dallas. The storm never let up and the game was called and declared a no contest. "Like it Never Even Happened"
9. FBC Mortgage Cure Bowl
The FBC Mortgage Cure Bowl is for a great cause as it raises awareness for breast cancer. FBC Mortgage is headquartered in Orlando (where this and like half the bowl games are played) and has a tab on its website labeled "Awesome Videos." Now, given that this is an Orlando based company I will not be checking out the Awesome Videos page, as I am not sure if I want to see what is so awesome. Also the first image that pops up on the website is a dude refinancing his mortgage alone on his laptop at the beach. Welcome to the coastal city of Orlando!
8. TicketSmarter Birmingham Bowl
Has anyone ever heard of TicketSmarter? Seriously please let me know if you have cause this is the first I've ever heard of them. Their website looks sort of sketchy so who knows how they got the money to sponsor a bowl game. Anyways, seems like the perfect college football bowl sponsor. Carry on.
7. NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl
I'm choosing to believe that this loan company is just Jay Wright and his fancy suits loansharking the hell out of the state of Arizona while Sean Miller sits sweaty in a corner cause he still can't pay his debt. Let's make this into a three hour movie and air it instead of the game. In the words of the great Jon Rothstein, "Villanova Basketball has become a Fortune 500 company."
6. Cheribundi Tart Cherry Boca Raton Bowl
Boca Raton is the only town in the state of Florida that can afford to drink this drink. Everyone else has to drink Gatorade (except for you Tallahassee, drink your Powerade) instead of drinking the Fiji water of sports drinks. Also Boca Raton means "rat's mouth" in Spanish.
5. Walk-On's Independence Bowl
Hey look, here's a pun that relates to college sports. The best part about this bowl game is definitely not the trip to Shreveport, but it's watching all of the Walk-On's restaurant commercials. These commercials definitely fall into the cringy CEO category, and who knows, we might get a surprise cameo from investor Drew Brees.
4. Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl
Frisco, Texas, where everyone dreams of playing a bowl game. What does everyone associate with Frisco, Texas? Tropical Smoothie (not really) of course. I did confirm that there actually is a Tropical Smoothie locale in Frisco. Instead of the winning coach getting a Gatorade shower, he should get doused in a big tub of Mango Magic. Delicious.
3. Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl
Yes, you read that right. Tony the Tiger is the sponsor of this game, not Frosted Flakes. One can only imagine what the commercials are going to be like. I think we should have more cereal mascots sponsoring bowl games. Give Toucan Sam one of the games in Orlando, Cap'n Crunch can get one in Tampa, Snap, Crackle, and Pop can have the Pinstripe Bowl or something. How good are the two teams playing in this game? THHEEEYYYY'RRRREEEE MEEDDDIIOCRE!!!
2. Elk Grove Village, Illinois Bahamas Bowl
Elk Grove Village is a big community area near O'Hare airport right outside of Chicago. It has residences, businesses, neighborhoods, etc. Now I want you to picture this for me. Imagine sitting in a board meeting and the CEO says, "We need a new marketing strategy that is going to reach a bigger audience. Any ideas?" (prolonged silence follows until one person in the back corner raises their hand and says,) "I think we should sponsor a college football bowl game that is played by two mid-major schools and takes place in the Bahamas." You're sitting there thinking, "there's no way Mr. Bigwig Boss goes for that one, idiot." Oh, but he does. He thinks that's the greatest idea he's ever heard. This game could be played at Soldier Field and it would still be a crazy sponsorship. It's not even played in America. Board meeting genius, whoever you are, we salute you.
1. Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl
This game has had all of the best names in the history of college football bowl games. It started in 2008 as the magicJack Bowl. Then in 2009 became the Beef O'Brady's Bowl. In 2014 it became the Bitcoin Bowl. And in 2017 it was given the name we know and love now, the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl. This name is Tampa as hell and it's disappointing that the game is no longer played in the dump that is Tropicana field. But keeping in the spirit of Tampa at least there's a pirate ship in the stadium now. Bad Boy Mowers is a lawn mower company selling massive thousand dollar plus lawn mowers. I'm pretty sure at least 40% of the people in the greater Tampa area commute to work in these things. The marketing director for Bad Boy Mowers is Lennie Foree, (which is exactly what his name should be) and let's just say he knows his market.
There's so much more to this amazing name cause now it's time for Gasparilla. Gasparilla is a huge pirate festival and parade held in Tampa every year in January. It's to celebrate mythical pirate Jose Gaspar, and it's basically Tampa mardi gras. Just imagine walking through Tampa and seeing everyone dressed up as pirates and riding around on pirate floats. Anyone who's ever been to Tampa for Gasparilla please hit me on Twitter. I'd love to hear about your experience.
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