Little kids and mascots are supposed to be a match made in heaven, unless you're me. When I was little I was deathly afraid of mascots. Every single one, whether it was one I saw every week at home football and basketball games, or a random one I happened to see at a restaurant, I hated them all. I cried my eyes out every time I was around one. But that makes me weird because most kids love mascots. For some, they are the entire reason to take a kid to a game. The kids love the high fives, the hugs, and the pictures with mascots (again, unless you're me). So for all the parents out there I have an idea. Next time you need a babysitter hire a college mascot. They're NCAA cheerleaders so you aren't allowed to pay them, and chances are high that your kids will love them. Seems like a win-win. To help in your hiring process, here's the best and the worst options for college mascot babysitters.
BEST OPTIONS
BIG RED
credit: thequad.blogs.nytimes.com
Big Red is a barrel of fun that your kids will absolutely love! He's soft and cuddly, and he's a guy who can make every activity a fun one. He's always kind and understanding, and since he's an amorphous mass of fuzz, he's impossible for your kids to physically hurt. He is very attentive, and is great at listening to kids. He also is great at putting kids to bed because he can literally turn into a bean bag chair.
SPARTY
credit: alumni.msu.edu
This may seem like an odd choice because Sparty looks intimidating, but he had tons of merit. First, he will keep your kid active. Sure, maybe you don't think that American Ninja Warrior training is what your 5 year old needs, but Sparty will have that kid in the yard putting in work. Yes, sometimes he might not let your child eat until he scales the Warped Wall, but once Sparty leaves the little one will be so tired that he'll sleep for 72 hours straight. That's basically a weekend getaway all to yourselves, and you had date night the night before. Talk about bang for your buck.
AUBIE
credit: centralalabamaweekend.com
Aubie is another fun-loving fuzzy mascot that your kid will enjoy! He is full of surprises, including a vast wardrobe of dress up clothes. If your child is into dressing up, then Aubie is the man for the job. He's been Superman, a landshark, a hula dancer, an angel, a mad scientist, and an eagle. His costume collection is so large that he can surprise your son or daughter every single time he sees them. He's a true jack-of-all trades, and he's fun for all ages.
DEMON DEACON
credit: Wikipedia
Yes, I know his name is Demon Deacon, but have you ever heard of the Wake Forest mascot getting into any trouble? I haven't. That's because of those good ole southern Christian roots that he comes from. Sure he looks like a weird old man, but he'll teach your kids those quality values that every southern gentleman has. I do wonder how painful it is to have a bow tie attached to your chin, but as far as mascots go he's about as mundane as it gets. That means that he'll be responsible with the little ones, and make sure they eat their fruits and vegetables.
COSMO THE COUGAR
credit: gayety.co
In today's day in age everyone's looking for the next internet star, and there's no one better to get your kids Tik Tok famous than Cosmo the Cougar. Think about it parents, you could become rich just because you hired a dancing cougar as your babysitter. Seems like a sound business investment if you ask me. Cosmo can do it all, he's got all the tools to help your kids become internet celebrities. He can dance, he's athletic, he's got the looks, he's got an entire religion that's on his side. He's the total package, and with his help your 7 year old can reach their (cough, your) dreams. Don't believe me? His tape speaks for itself.
WORST OPTIONS
Keggy the Keg
credit: Wikipedia
I am not a parent, and therefore I do not see the problem with Dartmouth's Keggy the Keg babysitting kids. I asked my parents if they would've let Keggy babysit for my brother and I back in the day, and the answer was a resounding no. Keggy appears harmless. He looks like a sweet, gentle, fun guy. I guess there's something about the way he looks that my parents didn't want to associate with little kids. I don't know, but I am not a parent. When I have kids Keggy, you can babysit for me any time. Don't let the haters get you down.
RUFUS THE BOBCAT
Rufus has a history of violence that should turn parents away from him. On September 18, 2010, in front of 104,944 people at Ohio Stadium in Columbus, Rufus assaulted Brutus the Buckeye. Rufus choose to attack Brutus in front of more than one hundred thousand people, instead of getting him all alone in a back alley. He also attacked in broad daylight. Everyone saw it and everyone knew it was him. Not only is Rufus violent, he's also an idiot. This is not someone that parents should want influencing their children. If you're going to hire a criminal to help in the nurturing of your precious children at least hire a smart one.
PURDUE PETE
credit: oneclass.com
Let's start with the obvious red flag here, that face is pure nightmare fuel. You don't want little Johnny seeing that right before he falls asleep at night. He'll need sleep therapy for the rest of his life. The other big problem with Purdue Pete being around your children is he will 100% make them child laborers on the nearest railroad building project. He's always walking around West Lafayette with that hammer asking anyone if they need some quick cash. If they say yes, he then takes them to his latest railroad project where he holds them captive until the job is finished. They say that once you work for Purdue Pete, you'll never be the same. I don't really want to find out if that's a good or bad thing I know, parents, that you do not want to your kids to find that out either.
FRIAR DOM
credit: New York Post
Like Purdue Pete this guy is straight terrifying. Friar Dom looks like he is literally about to eat your soul straight out of your body. As soon as kids see his face they start crying and screaming in terror. I'm going to gloss over the Catholic priest around little kid jokes and just focus on the fact that this is the scariest looking man walking the earth. LOOK AT HIM. Providence fans, please let me know how you can stand being in the same arena as him at home basketball games. I really wish I was in the meeting where this hideous monster got approved so I could have all of those people arrested. Anyways parents, don't hire this guy. I think y'all know why.
THE HAWK
credit: St. Joseph's University
"The Hawk will never die!" That is the mantra at St. Joe's, and that is why The Hawk never stops flapping its arms during basketball games. Not during timeouts, not during halftime, not even during commercial breaks, The Hawk always has to keep those arms moving. So why does this make him a bad babysitter? How is he supposed to do anything with the kids when his arms constantly have to stay moving? He's like a shark, if he stops flapping then he dies. So if he stops flapping to play dolls with little Suzy, then boom, dead on the spot. That makes your 6 year old daughter a murder suspect, and I know you don't want that, Mom and Dad. If you hire The Hawk he either is going to be the most boring babysitter ever, or your children are going to be wanted for murder. Might want to stay away from this one.
WILD CARD OPTION
GRITTY
credit: NHL.com
Please God somebody do this.
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